Keeping your sanity when parents drive you to despair!
“Well, he’s not religious so why should he behave in your lessons?”
This memory still rings through my head like it was just yesterday. The very first parental phone call I ever made as an NQT left me feeling like I’d been chewed up and spat back out.
I had struggled to make the - rather valid - point that, as a Religious Studies teacher, I wasn’t expecting my pupils to be religious themselves (hell, I’m not) but I was expecting them to honour the behaviour policy in my classroom.
I allowed this experience to create within me a feeling of anxiety and fear every time I engaged with parents, even if I was making a positive phone call home. I feared punishment just for doing my job.
This experience may feel like child’s play compared to what you may be encountering in teaching these days.
Teachers who I work with have anecdotally shared instances of parents demonstrating poor behaviour in a variety of ways, whether it’s expressing unreasonable demands of staff, unfairly ranting about the school on social media or even fighting in the playground.
Education Support’s recent Teacher Wellbeing Index 2024 reported “43% of staff feel vexatious complaints from parents and guardians have increased”.
“It left me with a feeling of anxiety and fear”
Yet, this doesn’t display the full picture of parental engagement for many schools. Since COVID, the additional learning needs of students are rising, reaching points where schools, local authorities and parents are at breaking point. Although the needs of the students are at the forefront, parental engagement can be fraught as each side fights for what they believe is right for the child.
The purpose of this blog is not to criminalise parents and guardians. Society is in such a place where many of the resources, public bodies and forms of support that used to exist for families have disappeared, leaving many floundering. Schools offer that visible beacon in the community that is accessible every day of the week.
However, until significant reform and investment takes place, schools will need to continue to engage with parents and guardians, offering support that they may not have the capacity to fulfil. Yet, this cannot be at the cost of teacher wellbeing. Otherwise, the education system breaks even further down.
It’s not about you.
The challenge that many educators face is one of perspective. When another email pings into your inbox accusing you of being unsupportive or you can’t sleep at night for the anxious thoughts tumbling through your mind as you replay another vexatious comment, it’s challenging to remember that this isn’t personal to you. It may feel personal at the time and I assure you, I can struggle with this too! However, here’s two things for you to remember:
You are a human being first and an educator second. Your self worth is not connected to your professional identity. (Check out this podcast episode to learn more about Identity Boundaries).
Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives. When we’re feeling fraught, stressed or unheard, we can lash out and be hurtful. The chances are that these negative encounters reflect more on the person inflicting them than on you.
What follows are a few suggestions of things that you or your school may try to support teacher wellbeing and boundaries whilst continuing to offer support to your parental community.
Please note though, these are generic suggestions. Always take into account your own context, which includes that of yourself, your staff, your children and your wider community. If you need a safe, constructive space to consider this, why not reach out to me to explore some professional reflective supervision?
What can schools do:
As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” With that in mind, consider the following ideas:
To what extent does your school have clear policies that can be followed by staff and parents alike?
Is there a clear SEND application process?
Is there a clear complaints policy?
Are all of the relevant parties aware of these and know where to find them?
These can be really beneficial as these policies can act like boundaries, helping to guide interactions and manage demands. For instance, if your SENCO is the first point of call for all parents, whether their child has been registered as SEND or not, this can lead to overwhelm. Coupled with the unfortunate effect that those who shout the loudest often get heard the most, the children most in need may not always receive the support from the SENCO that they are entitled to.
What may it be like if there were policies that took some of the legwork away from your staff?
To what extent does your school have a clear parental behaviour or responsibility policy?
This additional policy can act as a further guide and prop to support both your teachers and parents. Like the recent policy changes made in Blaenau Gwent council that reiterated the expectation of parents to ensure their child is school-ready by being toilet trained, it may be necessary for your school to offer clear boundaries as to what lies within the responsibilities of the parents and what lies within the responsibilities of the school.
What can senior leaders do:
As part of the senior leadership team, you do have more influence on how the school operates, both day-to-day and strategically as you guide the school into the future. It’s a tough position being in SLT. You need to maintain your overarching view of the school whilst often having time taken away from these valuable endeavours through the inevitable daily firefighting. Nevertheless, there are a few things you can do to support your staff and school’s relationship with parents and guardians.
When a parental concern comes up, check in with yourself: does this need addressing now? Very often, our people-pleasing drive kicks in as you try to solve every problem that comes through your door.
Instead, pause and ask yourself whether this needs your immediate attention and whether you are the right person to deal with it. It may be that it will calm by itself. Use your knowledge of your parental community to guide you.
Be there to listen only.
Many of the senior leaders that I work with are so quick to jump to problem solving when a teacher comes to them with a challenge. Sometimes, all that is needed is a listening ear. Give your staff - and parents - the opportunity to speak their mind. Let them explore their issue and notice how they may either naturally soothe themselves or come to their own solution. Create that coaching space rather than immediately hunting for a solution.
Prioritise time for the big picture.
So often, things come up that can derail your time on the bigger, strategising tasks on your list. If possible, prioritise these tasks during work-from-home opportunities to reduce distractions.
What can teachers do:
In many schools, classroom teachers are the first point of contact for parents and guardians. Therefore, it is vital that you take steps to protect your own boundaries and wellbeing.
Check in with your contactability:
How easy is it for parents to contact you? Do they expect responses outside of school hours? Do you read your emails just before bed (and maybe even respond to them)?
You are not a resource that is always on tap for your parents. Add an automatic email response stating the hours in which you will respond. Boundary your email reading and writing time so that you can switch off from school.
Follow your school’s policies:
As tempting as it is to always be helpful (and be seen as helpful), ensure that you are still working within the boundaries of the school’s policies. Use these documents to guide you on how to respond to various parental concerns or actions. This allows for senior leaders to then also step in at the appropriate time to support you.
Check in with your emotional boundaries:
Are certain interactions burrowing their way into your thoughts at night? Did that vexatious comment from a parent make your question your professional or self worth? Notice how you are feeling, acknowledge this and take time to reinforce that emotional boundary. You are valuable. You are trusted. You are loved. (Check out this podcast episode to learn more about Emotional Boundaries).
Create positive parental experiences:
According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson from the University of North Carolina, there exists a 3:1 ratio. For every negative experience, you need three positive experiences to lift you back up. So, take the opportunity to not only reflect and find positive things that have happened in your day, but also create positive experiences with parents as well. This may be through a positive phone call or email home, or taking a moment to discover a common interest that you both may have (beyond you teaching their little one!). Build up a memory store of the good things to negate the bad when they may occur.
It is important to note that schools are in an increasingly tricky position. As budgets continue to tighten and birth rates fall, schools must balance the challenges of keeping their student numbers high with pleasing their perceived customers. Parental desperation and power grows, particularly with the use of social media, risking damage to school’s reputations and their staff numbers. This tightrope can become fraught.
Whenever you feel lost, I encourage you to return to this question: to what extent are your students thriving? Listen to your professional conscience and hear its response. Caring for yourself and your staff will help ensure that your students receive the best education possible. Use the steps in this article to help you achieve this goal.